Today’s post is getting kicked off by a scene from the show New Girl. Yeah, I know, I already kicked off this blog with a New Girl reference. But this one is from the final season, so it’s probably going to be the last one for a while. Here’s the scene:

Source: SpoilersTV

The beauty of this scene is how it sets you up with an expectation and then yanks the rug out from under you. If you know the show, you know it never takes itself too seriously. So, sure, you’re expecting a punchline—but still.

I love this scene because it perfectly illustrates how our perception of what’s happening can differ wildly from reality. In NLP, there’s a presupposition that says, “The map is not the territory.” Meaning you respond to your map of reality not to reality itself.

And this is where positive thinking comes in.

Positive thinking is an attempt to redraw the map. To highlight the good and gray out the bad. It’s not a terrible mental model (and I don’t want to be that blogger who bashes old-school self-help just for clicks). I just think there’s a better one. And that’s what this post is about.

Why I’m the World’s Worst Person to Talk About Positive Thinking

I may have mentioned this before, but this website was born from an idea sparked by ChatGPT. I spent so much time trying to figure out the best theme for the blog I wanted to create. So, I dumped everything I loved to think/read/write about into ChatGPT and asked it to come up with some theme/title ideas for the site.

Apparently, ChatGPT thinks I’m a major smartass, because one of the suggestions was The Wandering Smartass. Trust me, I laughed too. And honestly, it fits me pretty well.

But while I am definitely sarcastic and dry-witted, I didn’t want the whole site to revolve around being a smartass. So I shortened the title to Wandering Smart to make the theme a little more professional and the rest is history.

I say all of that to say this:

I’m not the world’s most positive guy. In fact, most of my coworkers get a kick out of how dry and negative I can be. And while I absolutely adore Tony Robbins, I’m never going to be like him (even if I secretly wish I could be).

So, what’s the deal with positive thinking anyway?

I know what you’re probably thinking:

Hey, doofus, you’re running a personal growth/self-help blog. Aren’t you at least going to TRY to be positive for your readers?

Sorry, folks, there’s no wizard here. Just a regular schlub behind the curtain.

But hear me out.

There are many different takes on positive thinking. Some people push affirmations–standing in front of a mirror, lying to yourself until you believe it. It’s honestly not the worst idea. “Fake it till you make it” is a solid way to break out of a negative pattern. If you want positive change, you have to start thinking and acting differently.

That said, I’ve never been able to pull it off. Maybe I’m too honest. Or maybe “blunt” is a better word (since I’ve definitely told my fair share of lies). I’ve just never been the kind of person who can lie to myself to feel happy. I call things the way I see them. And if you’re still reading this, you probably do too.

There’s also the version of positive thinking where you take a bad situation and try to focus on the silver linings. And honestly, I vibe more with this. Like I said above, the map is not the territory. You’re already filtering out tons of information, so why not train your mind to filter out more of the negative?

Lately I’ve been working toward this. It’s part of my overall push to break free from negative thought loops and find happiness. It’s an effective strategy because it makes you realize how much of your negativity is just a recycled pattern.

But the model I most like is one that I have come to term “mental resilience.”

So, what is mental resilience?

My short and sweet definition: Your ability to adapt to what happens to you without dwelling in any one emotion longer than necessary. In other words, it’s how well you bounce back when life hits you with the bad stuff.

I’ve come to love this concept. If I ever write a self-help book, this’ll probably be the main theme.

Mental resilience is different from positive thinking. Positive thinking asks you to look at your situation and find the bright side. Mental resilience says: Yeah, this sucks. It’s a shitshow. But I’m not going to let it ruin my life.

It means feeling everything you’re feeling without lying to yourself about it. Do you hate your boss? Your job? Feel like you got dealt the crap end of the stick? Then SAY SO. It’s that simple.

It’s okay to admit that your job sucks donkey dick and that your coworkers see you every day at your absolute worst. The problem only starts when you project that as who you are.

You’re not a loser, a failure, or a fuck-up. You’re just a dork who hates his job.

That difference may seem small, but it’s everything. When you turn your job (or any situation) into part of your identity, the negativity bleeds into everything else—your marriage, your self-worth, your peace.

Radical honesty gives you a place to start.

You can’t heal from something without a diagnosis. An honest diagnosis gives you power. You can’t beat alcoholism until you admit you’re an alcoholic. You can’t lose weight until you admit you’re unhealthy.

Burying your head in the sand does nothing. I learned this the hard way. When I was younger, I was awful with money. I’d overdraft my account nearly every paycheck. And instead of obsessively checking my balance, I avoided looking at it entirely. Like if I didn’t see it, the money wasn’t actually disappearing.

That fear kept me stuck in a loop. It wasn’t until I started checking my balance regularly and being honest with myself that I began to curb my spending and live within my means.

And that’s the heart of mental resilience.

It’s radical honesty about where you are without the doom spiral. It’s not meant to drag you down. It’s meant to give you a clear view of where you are so you can start walking toward where you want to be.

It’s also the ability to feel your current feelings while still working on ways to move past them.

How many times have I stepped on a scale, disgusted by the weight I’d gained back (and then some)?
That feeling sucks. But you know what’s even worse? Seeing that number and doing nothing about it.

That’s what keeps the negative momentum going.

In the scene I posted above, the song playing (which is an absolute banger) goes:

Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? Only time.

To adopt a mental resilience mindset, you might tweak the lyrics:

Who can say where the road goes?
Where the day flows? I do.

So where does your road go?

Where do you want it to go?

Maybe it’s time to decide.